Crushed

Well, today has been very educational for me. I found out that I have a mom who loves me unconditionally, and a father who will never change. For 23 years I have been forgiving that man, defending him, and continuing to receive his abuse. He basically acted completely callous and cold, did everything but actually say he didn't care of me or my family. I have known this for many years, but didn't want to accept it.

I didn't want to burn the bridge. I am not some rebellious 16 year old saying I hate my father. I am a grown woman that is tired of being the fool. I call my mom and I hear how much she loves me and my family, how proud of us she is, and more. I call my dad and all I hear is criticism, complaining, and how I didn't do this or that. David and others have tried to tell me many times that they are tired of seeing me get hurt by him. Everyone I know that has met him has all told me that he is a huge Ahole. Everyone. I would shrug it off, or say I was done and not follow through. Giving him chance after chance to change. Even though I somewhat knew it all along, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He doesn't care about us at all.

It's not about the money. David and I will figure something out for the next two weeks. We are unstoppable. I guess I am still in shock. I denied it for so long, wanted to believe that my father was just a little angry or mean sometimes, but I was wrong. I am not the type of person to kick people out of my life, but I don't have it in me anymore. For him to sit there so coldly, unsympathetic, and rude and say the things he did, just breaks my heart for the last time. I could never imagine treating my angels the way that he has treated me and my brothers. I know as a parent that there is no excuse.

I may not have graduated high school or lived up to any of his other expectations, but I am happy and working towards a better future for my family. I strive everyday to do that right thing, but that was NEVER good enough for him. I feel sorry for Justin. I really do. My father doesn't care about him. I talk about how anxious I am for him to come home and all I really wish for him is safety and happiness. All my father talks about is him getting a GED, getting a job, and living up to his expectations. I just wish that I had learned this lesson a long time ago. I wish him peace for the future, and that's that. He treats my kids and me like we are a burden and a nuisance, and I am done. He has crossed the line with my baby boys and me too many times. Time to heal and get on with my journey through life.

Getting Myself Worked Up

Ok. So, three more days until Fall semester starts. I have two problems that are driving my anxiety through the roof. A Fall semester means a ton of new students, mostly right out of high school. I don't have the best social skills in the world, not like I did in high school. Partially due to the fact that I have been in this box with just my three boys for close to 6 years. I have been working on my social skills the past year at college, and have made a few friends. That doesn't take away the anxiety of all new people asking me/ judging me about my tattoos, new competition to be first in my class, and dealing with the fact that chances are I won't know anyone in my early morning classes. All my friends in college aren't morning people like myself, so therefore they take afternoon classes.

The other part of my anxiety is the unfortunate schedule I was forced to choose. I don't mind that I had to work around David's schedule. The thing is, my first class is at 8am M-TH, and my last classes don't end until close to 10pm. Ever since Max turned one, I have been used to getting more sleep. With the lack of sleep and increased work load, I have a feeling that it is going to be a huge challenge. The upside to this, is that I am hoping it starts to prepare me for the demands of my career.

Despite all of my anxieties, I am not the overly-emotional wreck I was a few years ago. I have grown, matured, and developed the skills to somewhat manage my emotions. If I can get through what I have already been through, then there is no doubt that I can accomplish this. Because in the end, the only thing that matters is walking across that stage and getting my diploma. :)

Ok, I can relax now. :)

Well, my father-in-law just left an hour ago. I didn't mind him staying here for a couple days, but it is good to have my house back. The boys are finally calming down and getting back on schedule. It's different if Justin lives with us, because I know he helps out with cleaning and cooking without being asked. Plus he is so good with my boys.

Besides scrubbing every inch of my house and catering to my boys' every whim, I have pretty much been enjoying summer break. David is goes tomorrow to try and change his computer class to sociology I with me. Have to figure out how to get a babysitter every Monday night for 2 hours, but I can hope, lol. I still haven't gotten a letter back from my brother, which bothers me and makes me anxious. I called the lady in charge of his parole and she said very very soon he would come home. I talked to him and he said not for a long time, so I don't know. The sooner the better. I would just like some advance notice so I can make arrangements. He is also asking for family addresses if they want to write him, but I have none except grandma Sandy.

Haven't sold the pool yet, probably because of the end of summer. We are selling it for half of what we paid two years ago. Who knows. I have decided that we are having Thanksgiving here and Christmas everywhere else. I get what I want, to cook and have family over; and I don't have to spend hundreds on presents. I just hope someone shows up. It has been such a disappointment the past year at our events. Last year I worked on the Christmas party for months, half of the people didn't show up, and the other half were downright rude! Oh well.

Nothing much else going on. I am patiently waiting for the fall semester to start and preparing any way I know how. Still haven't figured out how to keep the boys completely occupied. They get bored so easily. It will come to me eventually. Time to try not to fall asleep while I watch the Pagemaster with my boys. :)

I knew it would work out!

Just got the news that David is getting a bonus on his next check. That plus what we have saved is more than enough to buy a second vehicle! I am stoked! Plus, we bought a new battery for the van last night and it fixed all of the problems. Our van is reliable now. I knew it would work out eventually. I am so happy! Maybe after this we can save up to buy our boys bunk beds, since they have grown out of their car beds. A washer would be nice too, lol. What a relief!

One week of partial freedom

So, this is my last and only week of summer vacation before classes start back up again. We already took down the pool, cleaned up the backyard, cleaned up the house really good, etc. I got my grades in for Summer II. I made a B in History II and another B in Speech. I know I could have made A's, but I slacked off bad this summer. I blame it on night classes. I cannot stand night classes. I am a morning person, and I like being able to tuck my boys in at bedtime and have dinner with my family. I didn't go to class as often as I should. At least I recognize my lack of effort this past semester, so that I can improve in the Fall. I am very jealous of David. He can hardly study and make straight A's, whereas I have to spend hours studying to barely make an A. Oh well, it's worth the work. I try not to be too competitive with him, lol. I am still very determined with school, I just need to focus more and go to class. :P The recent development of a small social life at school doesn't help matters. I am not much for having social skills, but I have managed to make a friend or two at school. It has its pros and cons.

I am taking 8am classes Monday through Thursday, and late night classes Monday and Tuesday. Not my choice, that's all they offered. David is taking mid-afternoon classes, basically in between my schedule. Both of us have full schedules. Time will definitely be an issue, but workable. I am curious to take Sociology I, and have reservations about math. David and I also have to figure out how to keep two young boys occupied all day while we study. That will be the real challenge. They are still going to need fresh air and playtime and attention. Makes me glad David took down the fence to build a treehouse for free. All of this is a journey, and I wouldn't do it differently if I had the chance. I love my three boys. <3

I knew it was coming

So, our van died today. Have to get a new battery and hope that it works. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but it still sucks. Sometimes I get so frustrated with everything breaking. One of our tvs broke (not a priority), and our washer has been broken for almost a year now it seems like. Just have to hope nothing else breaks. It wouldn't have been such a tough year if we hadn't chosen the most expensive medical insurance and then realized it doesn't even cover everything. We can change our insurance in a couple months, which saves $100 a week, plus we are shutting off satelite which is another 76 bucks a month. That's a start.

I found a car in Terrell for sale. $1950.00. Nice little sunfire, assuming it doesn't have any problems we will buy it when we can save up for it. Being an adult isn't easy or fun, but I made my choices and I will stick with it. Without David I don't know what I would do. Just a little frustrated today, but it always works out somehow. I now have a greater respect for my parents and what they struggled with for a long time. It's not that easy raising a family, but it is definitely rewarding. Next year is looking very optimistic, with me graduating and getting a job, and David making more money. It's just not next year yet, lol.

Well, as I always say...just have to get through the hard times to get to the good times. :)

Fall is approaching!

Fall is approaching and David and I are getting ready. We went to school early this morning to get ahead of the mile long line to pick up books for Fall. We also sold our massive collection of college textbooks and made a killing. We have both figured out that since we know the impending stress of Fall semester, both taking full schedules, that would have to prepare for Winter early. Taking down the pool early, overhaul cleaning on the house inside and out, etc. Anything to make our lives a little easier. It was a major disappointment to find out that we make too much to put our boys in Terrell Preschools, but we just have to work around it. We are still trying to figure out how to get a second vehicle before our van calls it quits on us. We will figure out, we always do.

Life has been hectic lately, and we know it is going to get more challenging, but I think we are ready. David and I have been through everything together and are stronger for it. As I always say, it is worth it in the end. I have quit a lot of things in my life, but school and family aren't going to be one of them. I am also looking forward to Justin moving in. David and I are used to him living with us, and he is an incredible uncle. He has spent loads of time in their life and we all miss him. Other than all that, not much else is happening. We have two weeks before classes start and I take my finals tonight for summer classes. I will be a sophomore starting tomorrow. David and I are trying to salvage the rest of summer while preparing for Fall. I love it. :)

First entry

Never tried this blog craze, but here it goes. I am at the end of Summer II in school. I get a 2 week break before Fall semester starts. It is going to be crazy once that happens. I have never handled stress very well, so we shall see if I can hold up. Should be fine. David (my husband) is going to take a full schedule like me, so depending on him won't be an option. Anything to walk across that stage. I will definitely be looking forward to getting my Masters in psychology online. I do not want to go to a University and have to make time for class and a job.

Everything has been going great, despite being busy. Gage and Max (our boys), have been patient with us so far, as far as school goes. They love their new treehouse. It's almost nicer than our house, lol. I am looking forward to getting them bunk beds next month. I loved having bunk beds when I was a kid, so I know they will. Gage has outgrown his car bed, so it's time.

Not too much besides school going on around here. I am patiently waiting for my older brother to move in with us. That will be wonderful. My father couldn't handle taking him in because "It would put too much strain on his marriage". BS. Oh well. I just hope that he keeps his end of the deal and buys him a car, so that he can get a job and get back on track in life. Well, that's about it. :)